Bad Google Maps Directions – How Google Map Directions Almost Got Me Killed!



The Shocking But True Story of My Near Death Experience at the Hands of Google. Do No Evil? Yeah Right!

I love Google maps. It’s one of the most useful and clever pieces of technology ever invented. It’s also, for the most part, very reliable in its choice of routes to your chosen destination. This is what makes the following story so disturbing, and even more so than say, one involving MapQuest or another less reliable map service.

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about surfing and she half jokingly said “there’s a good south swell hitting Hawaii, we should go.”

Now surfing is no joke – it’s serious. Yes, we should definitely go I thought. It would be fun.

So I pulled up the Google Maps directions for Santa Cruz California and put in  Honolulu, Hawaii as my destination. Then I clicked enter and waited for the results, and what results they were. I must say that Google’s suggested route was absolutely horrifying!

weird google map directions - funniest google maps directions ever

Now, it’s a tough call on what is more shocking – Google thinking that I need to drive to Seattle to launch my kayak or that I could kayak across the Pacific at all. I also question the 14 day travel time. That sounds a bit fast to me as that translates to an average speed of 8 mph in the open ocean, for a half of month, without breaks. If they’re going to suggest kayaking to Hawaii then you’d think they would have included at least eight hours per sleep a night into the total travel time. What an oversight! Shame on them.

Now besides being overly optimistic in your kayaking speed, Google also assumes a straight line, which is clearly not realistic. What about winds and currents? How could the best software engineers in the world not factor in for this?

Now I don’t own a kayak, but what if I did? Following these directions would most likely end in my death! Sure, perhaps I’d make it out of the Puget Sound but it wouldn’t be long before fatigue, hunger and dehydration took its toll. My weakened body would be no match for the seagulls that would surely begin to pick at my body, tearing off bits of my thin, dry, sunburned skin. I’d try to swat them away but there would be too many as they crescendoed into a feeding frenzy. Waving my arms wildly I’d lose my balance and capsize the kayak. My limp body, floating in the open ocean, now easy pickings for the sharks and scavengers.

But like I said, I don’t own a kayak so I was fortunate to narrowly escape a most certain death. Every day I thank God for steering me away from such a fateful purchase. But what if?

Yes, what if?

File Under: Bad Google Maps Direction – Funny Google Maps Story – Worst Google Maps Directions Ever – Funniest Google Maps Example – Funny Google Map Directions – Funny Google Maps Directions

24 comments


  • Good one! You had me imagining that ill-fated kayak trek across the pacific.

    Joe :D

    September 21, 2010
  • itsoldman

    ok if u actually believe u had to kayak across an ocean then im sorry but ur really dumb…and if u owned and kayak and actually set out to cross an ocean in it well then u deserve what comes to u

    October 31, 2010
    • Clay (The BDD Dude)

      Uh, it’s a joke.

      i m sorry u r 2 dumb 2 figure that out.

      October 31, 2010
  • Joe

    itsoldman, you have got to be the stupidest person i’ve ever seen on the internet.

    November 2, 2010
  • LMAO – I think Google knows who you are & is trying to take out all the SEO folks 1 at a time. Very sneaky & clever! I’m gonna watch my back… haha…

    November 3, 2010
    • Clay (The BDD Dude)

      For the last four days I’ve had a huge spike in traffic for people looking for bad/funny Google map directions. Is their something going on that I don’t know about? I’ve bought a surveillance system and joined my Neighborhood Watch Program (we will report all suspicious activities I hear) just to be extra safe.

      November 4, 2010
      • Lanie Jaymz

        Its FB’s fault. Posts have been going around about the Google Maps humor & my guess, people are googling “Funny Map Directions” which is what I did & how I read your humorous story. BTW… ItsOldMan is a pot trying to call a kettle black only he must not of been wearing his glasses cuz you most certainly aren’t a kettle… U a funny creative dude! Thanks for the post.

        November 5, 2010
        • Your right it’s totally FB’s fault! It seems like every other person has posted a version of this in the past week.

          November 12, 2010
  • Gavin

    Try going from Tokyo to Shanghai.. They suggest you jet-ski across the Pacific, fair enough but when you see the launch site and look for jet-ski hire you find that the last one was several steps back along the route! Typical, not to mention the forgetful oversight that is not saying you will need to tow a boat full of fuel…. but..

    As for kayaking across the ocean, well why not.. there are a few people (loonies) who’ve done it across the Atlantic… so why not kayak to Hawaii… Maybe from Australia next…

    November 4, 2010
    • Clay (The BDD Dude)

      What a terrible oversight on Google’s part but all to common. I checked Yelp! and there was not a single review for a Jet Ski rental in the area either. Shameful.

      November 4, 2010
  • Alex

    There is something going around facebook about China-to-Japan directions asking you to jet ski across the pacific, like Gavin said. I bet thats why you’ve seen an increase in people searching for funny directions.

    November 4, 2010
  • Randy

    I personally find #16 funniest.

    November 14, 2010
    • Clay (The BDD Dude)

      I agree. #16 is the punchline and #15 is the setup.

      November 14, 2010
  • Jamie

    LOL…when i read googlemap for directions and it said kayak across the ocean…i started laughing my ass off… and then i said ” lets do this!” =D jking

    January 25, 2011
  • Kayak is surely as serious as surfing, no? Why not simply paddle to Hawai on top of your board? Anyway funny story but I wonder what happens if you did the same thing on your SatNav (non google based).

    Did you manage to find a suitable transportation to get there, or you decided not to go (too dangerous)?

    February 15, 2011
  • kay

    OMG I GOT THAT SAME THING!! me and my sister were looking up directions for getting to Hawii and it said to kayak across the Pacific Ocean for like 2000 something miles. we were DYING of laughter lol. u gotta love gooogle maps!! XD

    May 2, 2011
  • Try putting in directions for anywhere in North America to Britain. It tells you how to get to New York. From there, it tells you to “swim across the Atlantic.” I’m not lying. That’s quite the swim! LOL Sometimes I think these map people put these things in there as a joke just to see if people are paying attention.

    May 27, 2011
  • Santa Cruz CA to Beijing China

    September 15, 2011
  • Matt Bird

    If you’re too stupid to realize that Google likes to joke around like that and you’re stupid enough to believe that they would really have you kayak across the pacific, then I have terrible new for you sir. You need to graduate high school once more. dumbass

    November 15, 2011
    • Clay (The BDD Dude)

      Actually you need to go back to satire school or at least try to get your GED in irony. If you can’t understand that I was being facetious then your are truly the one inflicted with dumb-ass-ess-ness

      November 16, 2011
  • Eddie

    Who goes onto this site, sees all the helpful FREE information/hints/tips and decides, no I’m not gonna be grateful, I’ll find something trivial and obviously meant as a joke, and use that to slate the guy?

    Whether some guy at google maps put it in as a joke too, is besides the point. Why do people like you always have to turn everything into an internet keyboard warrior attack?

    Oh, Clay, thanks for all the help. Very clear, easy to follow info. Thanks for being generous enough to share your experience, knowledge and skills with the rest of us.

    March 15, 2012
    • Clay Butler

      I’ve often wondered that myself. It’s a uniquely internet phenomenon. Before the web, how did these ignorant shut-ins berate people for their contributions? Certainly not in person. Did they just wander around the house fuming and mumbling?

      March 17, 2012
  • Marion

    I had a good laugh reading the article and some of the comments.

    In regards to Google Map, my husband had a bad experience from it. You see, two to three years ago, he was too lazy to buy a GPS and always relied on me to give him directions. One day, he needed to go this new auto shop and just printed out the instructions from Google Map without reading it. Anyways, he got home that day cursing and when I asked him why, he said Google made him circle the block 3 times before it even mentioned where to turn to his destination. Lol, the story still makes me crack up every to this day.

    April 13, 2012
  • Danni

    Come on people google is just trying to throw some humor in it. They are techy’s they like to have some fun too. The newest one seen is where they have created is in the boxes you put the addresses in, you type the shire in the first box and mordor in the second then you click on walking directions and it comes up with “use caution – one does not simply walk into mordor”

    May 20, 2012

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